Father's day has always been a somewhat rough holiday. Ok... maybe I should preface it by not saying always but pretty much throughout my teens & adult life. I have a dad. He's more or less a good person. He would do/has done plenty of things that I truly am grateful for and in my heart, I do love him but I've yet to see a card that reflects the true nature of our relationship. He has never "left" my family, he worked to provide, he brought me up in church, quizzed me on bible verses, did other stuff but to say he is the best/greatest dad... that is a stretch. I really don't know my dad. Not that I haven't spent time with him nor is it because he is absent physically but somewhere in his rearing, I missed actually connecting with him as a person. He holds more of an office rather than being a person to relate to.
This is in no way to be a slam of any sort but today... Father's Day... a day when we appreciate this figure in our life that has taught us or molded us or whatever the text says... I can't help but feel mostly sadness over a loss I've never had.
I'm searching through my 32 years of memories and sadly cannot tell you of one single moment where we connected as people. It is ironic in that I have so many relatives (his side) who constantly check on him, want me to wish him "Happy Father's Day", or even look at me like I must be the luckiest girl in the world when today, I found an appropriate enough card, signed my name, showed up to dinner, then went home alone where (frankly I'd rather be). These are my true feelings yet even as I type, I am overcome with guilt and shame for feeling/thinking these things. In my heart of hearts, I want to be a Daddy's girl. I so desperately want to have this amazing connection with my Dad where I tell him all the things in my heart and he listens and gives me wisdom and support but those things are the fantasy. The reality is, I have to make appointments to see him, zone out while he rattles on about religious stuff that is more of a monologue and I'm supposed to nod, smile, and agree. For so many years, I would try to force a heartfelt conversation. Results were awesome let me tell you. Most often, I would get into arguments that never resolved unless I stopped talking, yelled and stormed off, or what I've learned to do, just zone out, nod, then leave.
I am not that kind of daughter. I don't thrive in fake or shallow relationships. So, this mask I wear year by year actually leaves scars on my very tender heart. But what do you do? Communing with someone takes two willing parties. How do you teach an almost 70 year old man how to relate from his heart?
... You don't...
I know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. That fact alone is why I chose to publically say these things. Never would I want my dad to read them (although I would not deny the words I say even though they hurt). I bear my burdened heart for you that can't find/allow words like mine. Masking hurts doesn't it? Having this pure/idealistic faith that if I (fill in blank) or if this (fill in blank) THEN I would have the relationship God promises.
I've beat myself up for years in why I could not have a good daddy relationship. I needed to forgive more (then BOOM! the same thing happened OVER & OVER again). Or if I expected less (then BOOM! my heart's even basic needs were neglected).
If...
If...
If...
The unfortunate truth of the matter is this: Even Christian's can totally suck at being dads. You may not have physical bruises on your skin but a battered heart and soul from someone who simply doesn't mean to nor knows how to stop abusing you emotionally. You don't have to have an awful dad to simply have a failed daddy relationship. Sometimes a relationship simply is what it is. Just mediocre. Someone who holds the office yet never is able to walk out God's intent.
Even now I feel like I should add a disclaimer to this post about his good qualities but I'll forego combating judgers for the sake of soul honesty.
The biggest growth I've experienced in this area is this.... I'm not angry anymore. Picking out the card today, sadness was there but anger was not. No matter who in your life has failed you, don't let your peace and contentment in life be wrapped up in that failure. Forgiveness is truly divine. Not because you are so godly when you can do it but because in forgiveness, somehow you recognize that only God can supply what you are looking for and for that situation, you can release the person to be who they can be to you and be okay with it. Not excusing or inflating it to more than it is but simply being okay.
I appreciate so many things about my daddy when I stop harassing him for what I need or want from him. I learn to love Corinthians 13 style in spite of my disappointments or lack. I can respect the office my dad holds in my life not because he necessarily earned it or that I want to, but because God asks me to CHOOSE to. So much of the Christian life has less to do with "wanting" to do something but rather choosing God's way over our own.
There is plenty more to say on this matter and more layers of what this means for other things in my life but for now, I just feel better expressing that I have an okay dad and I choose to love him as if he were the dad Hallmark talks about.
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This is in no way to be a slam of any sort but today... Father's Day... a day when we appreciate this figure in our life that has taught us or molded us or whatever the text says... I can't help but feel mostly sadness over a loss I've never had.
I'm searching through my 32 years of memories and sadly cannot tell you of one single moment where we connected as people. It is ironic in that I have so many relatives (his side) who constantly check on him, want me to wish him "Happy Father's Day", or even look at me like I must be the luckiest girl in the world when today, I found an appropriate enough card, signed my name, showed up to dinner, then went home alone where (frankly I'd rather be). These are my true feelings yet even as I type, I am overcome with guilt and shame for feeling/thinking these things. In my heart of hearts, I want to be a Daddy's girl. I so desperately want to have this amazing connection with my Dad where I tell him all the things in my heart and he listens and gives me wisdom and support but those things are the fantasy. The reality is, I have to make appointments to see him, zone out while he rattles on about religious stuff that is more of a monologue and I'm supposed to nod, smile, and agree. For so many years, I would try to force a heartfelt conversation. Results were awesome let me tell you. Most often, I would get into arguments that never resolved unless I stopped talking, yelled and stormed off, or what I've learned to do, just zone out, nod, then leave.
I am not that kind of daughter. I don't thrive in fake or shallow relationships. So, this mask I wear year by year actually leaves scars on my very tender heart. But what do you do? Communing with someone takes two willing parties. How do you teach an almost 70 year old man how to relate from his heart?
... You don't...
I know that I'm not the only one who feels this way. That fact alone is why I chose to publically say these things. Never would I want my dad to read them (although I would not deny the words I say even though they hurt). I bear my burdened heart for you that can't find/allow words like mine. Masking hurts doesn't it? Having this pure/idealistic faith that if I (fill in blank) or if this (fill in blank) THEN I would have the relationship God promises.
I've beat myself up for years in why I could not have a good daddy relationship. I needed to forgive more (then BOOM! the same thing happened OVER & OVER again). Or if I expected less (then BOOM! my heart's even basic needs were neglected).
If...
If...
If...
The unfortunate truth of the matter is this: Even Christian's can totally suck at being dads. You may not have physical bruises on your skin but a battered heart and soul from someone who simply doesn't mean to nor knows how to stop abusing you emotionally. You don't have to have an awful dad to simply have a failed daddy relationship. Sometimes a relationship simply is what it is. Just mediocre. Someone who holds the office yet never is able to walk out God's intent.
Even now I feel like I should add a disclaimer to this post about his good qualities but I'll forego combating judgers for the sake of soul honesty.
The biggest growth I've experienced in this area is this.... I'm not angry anymore. Picking out the card today, sadness was there but anger was not. No matter who in your life has failed you, don't let your peace and contentment in life be wrapped up in that failure. Forgiveness is truly divine. Not because you are so godly when you can do it but because in forgiveness, somehow you recognize that only God can supply what you are looking for and for that situation, you can release the person to be who they can be to you and be okay with it. Not excusing or inflating it to more than it is but simply being okay.
I appreciate so many things about my daddy when I stop harassing him for what I need or want from him. I learn to love Corinthians 13 style in spite of my disappointments or lack. I can respect the office my dad holds in my life not because he necessarily earned it or that I want to, but because God asks me to CHOOSE to. So much of the Christian life has less to do with "wanting" to do something but rather choosing God's way over our own.
There is plenty more to say on this matter and more layers of what this means for other things in my life but for now, I just feel better expressing that I have an okay dad and I choose to love him as if he were the dad Hallmark talks about.
